On repair

When harm has been done, attend first to the person exposed to it. Stop the conduct, meet urgent needs, and protect their freedom to speak or remain silent. A discussion of reconciliation has little worth while the injury continues or its account must be delivered under pressure.

Name what you did without making the injured person carry the burden of your intentions. Say what happened, what it cost, and what you can now do. An explanation may help establish how to prevent a recurrence. It should not be used to make the injury disappear from the account.

Offer repair in a form the injured person can actually use. Replace what was lost, correct what was said, return what was taken, or carry work your conduct imposed. Ask what would help. Do not require them to manage your remorse before they can receive your assistance.

Repair what you can without waiting to be forgiven. Forgiveness is another person’s gift. Your responsibility does not depend upon receiving it.

A path back should include evidence of change. Set responsibilities that can be understood and examined, with protection proportionate to the remaining risk. The person returning needs a way to act differently. Those receiving them need more than an appeal to forget what they learned.

Some relationships can be repaired only at a distance. A person may wish you well and still decline your company. Accept the limit without treating it as revenge. Settle what remains between you. There may be no shared table again, and still there can be peace between the two houses.

Keep an honest memory of what occurred. Record enough to protect others and recognise repetition, while respecting the privacy of those harmed. Memory should help people judge present conduct accurately. Do not require either a permanent public spectacle or the convenient disappearance of the past.

When a repair has been made and a responsibility fulfilled, recognise it. If no changed conduct can ever alter your response, say plainly what relationship remains possible. Do not offer a road back whose destination moves whenever the traveller approaches. Hope also carries obligations for the person who offers it.